Holding On
Today marks exactly eight months since my stroke, and I woke up determined to change my mindset, to rewrite the story I’ve been telling myself. But as I look back, I realize there are still so many pieces I haven’t even had the chance to process. The stroke was life-changing, but I’ve barely had time to understand what it means because I keep getting hit with one challenge after another. And honestly right now, I am unsure what more I can do to help myself, which kinda scares me too. So, all I know in this moment, I will practice my yoga and be present. I will take my walk and get a hot shower and wash the stank off and maybe even get a nap.
The stroke itself was overwhelming, but in a way, the exhaustion that followed has been even harder to bear. I’ve had a few wins along the way—like regaining my movement almost immediately, which is no small thing, and I’m grateful for that every day! But since then, it feels like nothing has gone smoothly. From pre-diabetes to restrictions on driving and now major dental work, it feels like I’m constantly trying to keep my head above water. And this is just what’s happened in the past few weeks! And yes, I know none of these things are the end of the world. It's just frutrating. And the truth is, I’m exhausted. I think I might be dealing with post-stroke depression, something that’s common in recovery, but it’s just one more weight on top of everything else.
I haven’t had a chance to make sense of why this happened or how I got here. My best guess? Stress. I believe deeply that stress can impact the body in ways we don’t always see, and I think that’s what brought me to this point. And now, even though I want to be strong, there’s a part of me that’s just tired of fighting. I’m doing my best to stay strong, to keep pushing forward, but sometimes, it feels impossible. Maybe I don’t even know exactly what message I want to leave here. I’m still here, fighting each day, even when it doesn’t look like I imagined it would. So know that under my smile and little giggle, there is something more. Maybe it’s okay to admit that I’m still trying to find my way, to find the strength to keep going. If you’re reading this and you’re dealing with your own struggles, maybe we can hold on together, knowing that somehow, one step at a time, we’ll keep moving forward.
