Reflections on Healing: An Unexpected Journey
When I first set out to share this very small part of my story, I was fueled by a whirlwind of emotions—anger, frustration, confusion. But as I travel this path of recovery, I continue to discover something deeper: the power of resilience and the beauty of learning to love myself! This is a HUGE win for me! IYKYK #winning
The Night My World Changed
March 11, 2024, started like any other Monday night—or so I thought. I had just finished teaching yoga, chatted with a friend, and felt full of love and gratitude for my life. Little did I know, stress and exhaustion were lurking beneath the surface, ready to change everything. When I got home, I showered but didn’t bother drying my hair. I remember lying in bed thinking, “I want to do better.” That was my last thought before my world changed forever.
Life After My Stroke: A New Reality
I never thought I would have a stroke. It wasn’t on my radar—no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, no obvious risk factors. I mean, I was (and still am) “just” a little chunky. I’m only 52! And yes, I recognize that being a yoga teacher who had a stroke doesn’t do wonders for my image or “business,” but guess what? I am human too. And I am learning.
After the stroke, my husband and I naively assumed life would go back to normal. Nobody told us otherwise. The most that was said when I asked my neurologist when I could return to work or start teaching again (because yes, that was still my priority) was a casual “eventually,” as she handed me a pamphlet. That was it. And, of course, I didn’t believe her.
We thought I was fine.
We could not have been more wrong.
Cognitive and Emotional Challenges: The Hidden Struggles
I know I was lucky despite something so unlucky happening to me.
But what hit me hardest after the stroke were the cognitive and emotional challenges and the debilitating fatigue I faced. I forget things, repeat myself constantly, and struggle to focus on anything for too long. It sometimes feels like someone hit a “reset” button on my brain, but everything is scrambled. Can you say, frustration?!
Emotionally, I was (and still can be) all over the place. There were days when I felt like I was losing it, unsure of how to cope. The gravity of these emotions wasn’t something I had ever dealt with before.
And then there is the chronic fatigue—this deep exhaustion I can’t shake. It IS NOT like the tired you feel after a long day at work. It’s a debilitating fatigue that makes even the smallest tasks feel impossible. I have NEVER felt anything like this in my entire life. In the early days, just getting out of bed felt like a victory! Even now, there are days when I have to push myself, but my brain won’t allow it. This has been incredibly hard because I’ve always been a fast-paced person with a ton of energy, although not a lot of stamina. “My poor brain” has become a common saying of mine. And yup, a friend recently told me about the Foo Fighters song, “My Poor Brain.” If you want to listen: Foo Fighters - My Poor Brain.
Understanding What Happened (Or Trying To)
For a long time, I thought my stroke and brain bleed were the same thing. But they weren’t. I had an ischemic stroke, which led to a hemorrhagic stroke (a brain bleed) after being given blood thinners—the usual treatment for ischemic strokes. The bleed wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. And yup, to this day, this is still what I THINK happened.
Here’s the thing, I cannot stress this enough! Please don’t look up statistics about my stroke. And if you do, keep them to yourself. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. PERIOD. Remember, Dr. Google is not my friend!
Facing the Reality of My Brain Injury
A couple of months after my stroke, it finally hit me: my brain may be permanently damaged. The bleed would heal, but the damage would likely remain. I was devastated, to put it mildly. I remember telling a few close friends and family, but I was so embarrassed I asked them to keep it quiet. The idea of being permanently “brain-injured” was too much for me to handle.
Letting Go
Honestly, I didn’t understand strokes before mine (and I still don’t), and I haven’t handled it all that well. But I’ve done my best. And God knows, I’ve done everything in my power to get well.
Here’s the thing—anger wasn’t a common emotion for me in my life before the stroke. But one of the toughest parts of this journey has been dealing with anger arising from the lack of curiosity or understanding from some people. As a highly sensitive person, I felt crushed when people assumed they knew what I was going through—or worse, when they didn’t ask at all or thought I was fine because I looked okay. I wasn’t. I was angry.
Let me be clear: I have rarely questioned or felt angry about why I had a stroke. It happened. Period. But stress and exhaustion are dangerous and I wholeheartedly believe contributed to my stroke. So, it became clear that holding onto anger wasn’t doing me any good and wasn’t me or who I wanted to be. And one thing I have committed to is to never have another stroke. So, I MUST keep the stress and exhaustion in check at all times, which means letting go of the anger.
And while I make this sound simple, it has not been. It has taken weeks of therapy, countless conversations, yoga/breathwork and much prayer (and sometimes still requires all of this). But slowly but surely, I am letting go of the anger and additional stress by trying to turn this into a learning experience and something positive. More to come on this!
A Life-Changing Conversation
One day, after realizing that my brain was damaged (maybe permanently), I called my friend Sam. I was outside, struggling to hear her on her barely working phone.
That’s when I finally told her, “Sam, I have something I want to tell you, but please do not tell anyone. I have brain damage.”
Her response? “Well, you know, Karen, the brain has an amazing ability to heal itself.” Sam is one of my friends who ALWAYS seems to make me feel good about me, no matter what! I adore her.
Those words were everything. In that moment, I thought, "She’s right." I decided that my brain would heal, or I would adapt. It gave me a sense of control and power again.
The Power of Neuroplasticity: Healing and Adapting
After that conversation with Sam, something in me finally clicked. It was like a tiny light in the dark—a possibility that maybe, just maybe, my brain could heal or I would adapt and be okay. Despite my OT telling me about neuroplasticity previously—the brain’s incredible ability to rewire itself, form new connections, and adapt even after injury—I started to hear her more and believe after this conversation with my friend. (Sorry, Laurel! ;-)
Neuroplasticity isn’t a magic fix—it’s a process. A process that requires patience, repetition, and an unwavering belief in the brain’s potential to heal. I started to read stories about people who regained abilities they had lost, and while each journey was different, they all had one thing in common: belief in the power of neuroplasticity. Some people even gained “new” abilities. So, in true Karen fashion, I held onto this concept. I started to joke that I would gain some wonderful ability like being able to sing or being an artist. Sadly, so far, neither of these things has happened … YET!
While I had taken an active part in my recovery at the very beginning, I now started to believe it. I felt more hope.
Weeks after my stroke, I could hold a tree pose (one of my favorite yoga poses)—a small victory, but one that made me believe in my body’s resilience again. My body had not failed me. Yes, practicing yoga prior to my stroke definitely helped me in my recovery. My doctors believed that too!
My progress might “seem” slow and be frustrating, but knowing my brain has the power to adapt, even if it looks differently from before, brings me peace. I keep telling people that I am coming back better than ever only because I AM. (More in my next post.)
My brain will heal, or I will adapt. That’s the mindset that has guided me through the past six months. I’ve also realized that I no longer want to hide parts of myself just to make others comfortable—I’ve done that for far too long. If you love me, you love all of me. And if you think I’m too much, that’s your issue, not mine. If you don’t love all of me, #BuhBye. Yes, I talk a good talk, but more importantly, I am FINALLY starting to love myself and truly live my truth and my best life. (By the way, if you're still with me, thank you! here's a little surprise!) #easteregg #iamnottswift
Writing this post has been a challenging journey in itself. It took me forever to find the right words and perfect the message I wanted to convey. And I don’t think I am still quite there. But I've come to embrace the idea of progress over perfection. Each small victory counts, and I’ve learned that it's okay to take my time in this process. Perfection isn’t the goal; moving forward, however slowly, is what truly matters. #progressoverperfection
Resources for Further Support
Here are some helpful resources for further support:
American Stroke Association: Stroke.org
Offers comprehensive information on stroke prevention, recovery, and support networks for survivors and their families.National Stroke Association: StrokeAssociation.org
Provides resources and education specifically for stroke survivors, including recovery tips and community support.Brain Injury Association of America: BIAUSA.org
Focuses on brain injury awareness, support, and advocacy, with resources for education and rehabilitation.Neurorehabilitation and Neural Repair: NNR Journal
A journal dedicated to research in neurorehabilitation, offering insights into the latest treatments and recovery strategies.Local Support Groups: Check local community centers or hospitals for stroke support groups that provide emotional support and shared experiences.
Thank you for being part of my journey. Together, we can continue to share stories, support one another, and celebrate our victories, no matter how small. Here’s to healing and resilience! ❤️
